I never thought about death all my life. It never
occurred to me that I can die. I am young and so for me death and young don’t
go together. It’s not that I am stupid or ignorant because I have seen lots of
people die at young age, some even in my family circle. I guess my thinking was
more of a mindset for me to protect me from fearing death or even thinking
about death.
I am a married woman in my thirties and have one six
year old child. I am an educator and my life is kind of boring with all day
work and then come home and relax and spend time with my family. It’s the same
routine every day.
Last month everything changed, my whole mindset
changed and my life has not been the same since. It was a Sunday and I was
feeling feverish and I told my husband that I don’t think I can go to work
tomorrow. He said I should apply for leave, but he didn’t think it was very
bad. I didn’t apply for leave and thought maybe I will be okay in the morning.
Next morning, my fever was high and I felt very sick so I had to call-in. I
took some ibuprofen and had lots of fluids but the fever won’t go away. I
started coughing very soon. I went to see a doctor in urgent care, she tested
me for flu, but it was negative. So, she told me to take ibuprofen and rest. I
did that for the rest of the week. I was not getting any better, I was getting
worse. I went to work on Friday, but my supervisor saw me and she was like she
had seen death. I was coughing very badly and had difficulty in talking. She
sent me back home within an hour. I went home and rested but with coughing it
was hard to rest. My husband was taking care of me and my son all this
time. He kept telling me to eat
something but it was very hard for me to eat anything. I did have little bit of
soup but I couldn’t eat anything else. I had lost lot of weight.
On Saturday, I texted my siblings about my health,
they all had one opinion that I should go to another doctor. So, I went to the
urgent care again. I saw the same doctor, when she saw me she panicked. It was
like she had seen death just like my supervisor. My oxygen level was very low.
She hooked me to the oxygen but she said that she thought I had Pneumonia and
she sent me with a nurse to the ER next to that urgent care. I was really
scared at that moment. I was in tears. I looked at my husband, he looked devastated.
I knew I was dying. I couldn’t think of anything. My son was with a babysitter
at this time. I was missing him. It was a terrible feeling, a feeling my mind
had protected me from all this time. All I could think was that I didn’t want
to die. I wanted to live. I wanted to see my son grow up and go to college, get
married, have kids. I didn’t want to see my husband so broken and lost.
I was taken to ER in a wheel chair. They tested me for
a variety of things. I was in ER going through these tests and wondering what
was going on with me. I was worried about my son and husband. I was worried
about my parents. I was seeing my whole life in my mind like a movie. Looking
back, I can say that was the worst day of my life.
After all the tests, doctor told me that I had
multiple strains Pneumonia. It was really bad and they wanted to keep me in the
hospital. My oxygen levels were very low, they didn’t want me to go home and
then come back if something bad happened. I was in the hospital for few
days. My husband and my six-year-old son
were very worried. My son was in an alert mode. I had never seen him like that.
Whenever a nurse or any other hospital person came in the room, he was telling
them that mommy is sick. He was not able to sleep. My husband had to take him
outside for a while to get him to sleep around 1 in the morning. First night in
the hospital was terrible. Next day, when doctor came to visit, he said I had
to stay in the hospital for few days. My fever was still not down and I was
dependent on oxygen tubes. I got better in few days and went home. It took me
three weeks after that to gain my strength to go back to work.
After that incident, my life has changed. I am not
careless about myself. I don’t think that I can’t die. I live my life feeling
blessed and realizing that I want to live. I can die but I want to live!
